Fatherhood crisis

                                                              

Several years ago, I used to sit “at the feet” of a retired war time army general discussing various societal issues, especially the problems of Nigeria. In one of our discussions, a guest joined us and informed the general that his son – who was a commissioner in his home state – has been accused of embezzling public funds. Without blinking an eye lid, the general said: “that can never happen, I didn’t raise my sons to be thieves. Go and tell the governor to investigate him.” He continued our discussion as if nothing had happened.

About a month later, the general – who is now late – sent for me and handed me an open newspaper without uttering a word; there was also another newspaper on his lap. The news story I read was the outcome of a probe panel set up by the state government to investigate if the commissioner (the late general’s son), or his accomplices embezzled public funds. When I was done reading the first story, he handed me the second newspaper.

The news story – which was about the panel report – did not find the commissioner culpable in any act of embezzlements of public fund and he was allowed to continue serving the state in that capacity.  The second story – a feature story written by the same reporter – was quite detailed from an entirely different angle. The reporter focused on the family background of all those accused – that is the commissioner and his perceived accomplices. That of the commissioner was quite instructive.

The reporter wrote about the general, his long years of impeccable service in the military with particular reference to his civil war records and how he treated his men. He also focused on the commissioner’s other brothers and how they are excelling in their chosen fields of endeavour. What he succeeded in doing was to draw a strong correlation between ones conduct and the family one was raised in. He did this without even interviewing the general; he only interviewed close associates of both the general and his son which further added impetus to his report.

After I finished reading the two stories, he delivered a strong sermon on fatherhood to me which has been helping me since I became a father myself. He told me he was confident in the sons and daughters he raised ensuring they lived, not only within their means, but to be content with whatever they have. He also informed me that he taught them not to focus on his earthly properties but strive to have theirs and train their own children along that line. I wasn’t surprised when he passed on that his house was put up for rent – all because his children were encouraged to strive for theirs or rent one until they have theirs.

Slightly over a year ago, I – alongside other customers – was on the queue at a supermarket waiting to pay for purchases made when a young man in his twenties walked past all of us to the cashier to make payment. The gentleman in front politely asked him if he’s not aware of the other people in the queue. He simply waved and said “so?” The visibly angry man pushed him away and told him to join the queue. He was trying to cause a scene when we all insisted he joined the queue. He didn’t but simply walked away.

I have witnessed incidences of queue jumping and other deep societal challenges to arrive at the conclusion that we may be facing a fatherhood crisis in the country. Many of our young men and women are behaving as if they do not have fathers. As a result, we should – more than ever – be concentrating on the family backgrounds of those committing crimes in the country. I will also like to encourage my colleagues in the media to go the extra mile – like the reporter of the general’s son did – to investigate the family backgrounds of those that have been involved in looting our treasuries. Isn’t it time we seriously look in this direction?

Why are most families struggling and suffering? They are because fathers are absent and their absence impacts the critical development of their sons and daughters. Fathers are as much critical to their daughters as well as their mothers. Obviously, fathers provide half the genetic material for personality development. Studies show that fathers are primary and most valuable support persons for the mother during pregnancy and childbirth. Also a healthy relationship between children and their fathers are important for good development.

Children from homes with absentee fathers are more likely to run away from home or live on the street. Studies have shown that achievement level, sense of mastery, and marital happiness of girls correlate with the presence of an involved father. Security regarding females and their fathers is a key element since it greatly shapes their development

Dearth of statistics aside, I am convinced that millions of Nigerian fathers struggle as adult parents because they lacked a model of effective fathering in their own lives. Men who experienced this form of parental neglect from their own families of origin oftentimes becomes emotionally and physically absent to their own families formed through marriage.

There is thus the importance of preparing such fathers for fathering by first helping them overcome detached relationships they had with their own fathers. One would argue that the key to becoming a father isn’t merely commitment to wife, children and family, but about prior and primal step of manhood in becoming a son.

Without realising it, a lady in a public transport I was in blurted out: “they will not allow you have peace if you don’t have a son, are all these not sons?” She was referring to a group of miscreants popularly referred to as “area boys” squabbling over a bag that they apparently snatched from a lady. Though everyone in the bus burst out laughing, but the import of what the lady said should ring out loud. Apparently, she must have been harassed by her in laws for not producing a male child.

The “area boys” syndrome should point us in the direction that we are a people under siege; siege of illegitimate fathers who continue to have children they can’t cater for. The kids drop out of school, start to roam the streets, end up at bus stops and begin to eek a living as touts. Soon they are old enough to impregnate a girl. The girl gives birth to another tout/area boy or another girl that would almost certainly be impregnated by a tout. And the cycle continues creating an endless supply of terrorists, gangsters and pimps for the underworld.

Beyond traditional fatherhood, we are now dealing with another crisis – single parenthood. Look around you and it will surprise you the number of single ladies that now have children. Most often than not, the fathers of these children are hardly present – that is those who accept responsibility in the first place.

Demographic studies on father’s absence and divorce indicate that children – especially boys – growing up without fathers usually have problems in the areas of sex-role and gender-identity development, school performance, physical adjustment, and perhaps in the control of anger and aggression. Equally too, the age at which a daughter loses her father is meaningful since it influences her perception of male, the world as well as her academic advancement – all because of missing the key element of a father.

A single mom raising her son alone once told to me her son has no contact with his biological father. As a result, she notices he has hostility toward his father based on very limited past contact. She went further to explore emotional and social consequences the absence of a father is having on him.